I've just
spent the last half hour feeling ridiculously angry over insensitive comments
from my partner, but that all changed a few minutes ago to real pride over how
much I have changed. My other half has
been on at me to sort out a pile of papers and letters on the dining table. He tidied and file the worst of the mess, so
what is left is mine (or so he claims).
My ire started this morning when he once again pointed out the
pile. Then I received a delivery of
clothes and shoes; as I don’t visit shops, I order everything online, try it on
then return what I don't like or doesn't fit.
Somehow, in the process of doing all that, he’s either gotten in a bad
mood because there was stuff all over the flat (we live in a shoebox) or
because I wasn't working on business planning (my idea) as we were meant to be
doing. When he saw the 2 large bags of
returns he started to interrogate me on when they would be collected and if I
could at least hide them away somewhere.
He is obviously in a shitty mood about something; but I appreciate
stupid, insensitive comments about as much as the next person. Especially as this week has been bad with a visit
to the doctor’s, new meds and around 4hrs sleep each night.
The
realisation that made me feel so much better was this; not only does the pile
of papers on the table not bother me at all, but neither do the dishes in the
kitchen or other household chores that are waiting for me to have a good day. At one time I would have spiraled into deep
depression at not being able to tidy up or killed myself trying to do it. But not now; if I can't do it, I can't do
it. The moody man’s passive aggressive
behaviour annoyed me and his insensitivity, but he’s also has a bad week, and
we’re all allowed an off day. He is not
ignoring my illness or pretending I'm not ill, which may have been the kinds of
thoughts I would have once had as I remembered all the people who actually have
done that to me.
I don't
know exactly when I changed these aspects of myself, but I'm glad I have
because ultimately it makes life easier for me.
There are plenty of genuine hardships and even tragedies when you have
ME, yet in the not so distant past I have been guilty of reacting extremely
badly to things that perhaps are not as important or as serious as I have made
them. I've now started to think about
the more specific things that did bother me but now do not and I think I may
write about those more in depth in the next few posts.