Thursday 24 January 2013

Refuse To Be Ill?

Today I'm so ill and beyond exhausted - I don't just need someone to make me something to eat, but they also need to chew and swallow it for me too.  I posted something similar to that as my status message on Facebook (first mistake, I know) and my friend who will be visiting London next week responded with "Try to shape up for next Wednesday sweetie!!"  I know he means well and I get the sentiment, but it's just too much today and this comment and his subsequent comments have really upset me.

There's a quote by Edward G. Bulwer-Lytton:



I think that is absolutely ridiculous advice.  When I first became ill, I totally ignored it for 6 whole months, then even after I was forced to see a doctor and started to have tests, I continued pushing myself and refused to acknowledge I was ill as I was a believer in just soldiering on; to give in to illness was a sign of weakness.  I basically did what is suggested in this quote for two whole years and I went from being mildly ill, to severely ill.  I certainly didn't do myself any favours especially as I later learned that an early diagnosis and adequate rest at the onset of symptoms can lessen the extent and impact of the illness.  

It wasn't until I fully acknowledged that I was ill, and totally gave into it that I began to get better.  Then, once again, when I began to ignore the fact that there was even such a thing called ME/CFS in my life, my health declined and declined fast.

In so many ways I have started the whole process again.  This situation with my friend visiting is the perfect example of that.  I had a friend from Italy visit a few years ago, but I had no problem telling her I was not well enough to meet her.  It has been over a year since I have seen my best friends, and that has not been an issue, yet somehow I seem to have gotten myself into a situation where I've agreed to do a lot more than I can do.  As awful as it is to say, some of that old embarrassment associated with admitting how ill and limited I am has returned.

So much for focusing on my health and putting it first.  I think I may have to be completely honest; firstly with myself and then with my friend.  I would love to spend a few days palling about with friends around this beautiful city; one of my favourite things is to explore London with visitors.  But as hard as it is to admit, I cannot do it.

On a more positive note, I was given a really interesting book about Bioenergy for my birthday and I shall be adding a book review about that very soon.

2 comments:

  1. I completely understand what you are saying. It is so awkward with friends who just don't get it, and they think it is something we can control. I then always have the suspicion they don't really think I am as ill as I am, which bothers me. It also makes me feel uncomfortable, and wish I had hidden the truth, but like you, every time I have done this I have regretted it, as it has made me far sicker trying to run with the herd and deny my true self.

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  2. You're absolutely right WigTastic. In this case though, the fault lies more with me than with my friend; I just forgot I was ill. Madness! Thank you for visiting and commenting.

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