Thursday, 24 January 2013

Refuse To Be Ill?

Today I'm so ill and beyond exhausted - I don't just need someone to make me something to eat, but they also need to chew and swallow it for me too.  I posted something similar to that as my status message on Facebook (first mistake, I know) and my friend who will be visiting London next week responded with "Try to shape up for next Wednesday sweetie!!"  I know he means well and I get the sentiment, but it's just too much today and this comment and his subsequent comments have really upset me.

There's a quote by Edward G. Bulwer-Lytton:

I think that is absolutely ridiculous advice.  When I first became ill, I totally ignored it for 6 whole months, then even after I was forced to see a doctor and started to have tests, I continued pushing myself and refused to acknowledge I was ill as I was a believer in just soldiering on; to give in to illness was a sign of weakness.  I basically did what is suggested in this quote for two whole years and I went from being mildly ill, to severely ill.  I certainly didn't do myself any favours especially as I later learned that an early diagnosis and adequate rest at the onset of symptoms can lessen the extent and impact of the illness.  

It wasn't until I fully acknowledged that I was ill, and totally gave into it that I began to get better.  Then, once again, when I began to ignore the fact that there was even such a thing called ME/CFS in my life, my health declined and declined fast.

In so many ways I have started the whole process again.  This situation with my friend visiting is the perfect example of that.  I had a friend from Italy visit a few years ago, but I had no problem telling her I was not well enough to meet her.  It has been over a year since I have seen my best friends, and that has not been an issue, yet somehow I seem to have gotten myself into a situation where I've agreed to do a lot more than I can do.  As awful as it is to say, some of that old embarrassment associated with admitting how ill and limited I am has returned.

So much for focusing on my health and putting it first.  I think I may have to be completely honest; firstly with myself and then with my friend.  I would love to spend a few days palling about with friends around this beautiful city; one of my favourite things is to explore London with visitors.  But as hard as it is to admit, I cannot do it.

On a more positive note, I was given a really interesting book about Bioenergy for my birthday and I shall be adding a book review about that very soon.


  1. I completely understand what you are saying. It is so awkward with friends who just don't get it, and they think it is something we can control. I then always have the suspicion they don't really think I am as ill as I am, which bothers me. It also makes me feel uncomfortable, and wish I had hidden the truth, but like you, every time I have done this I have regretted it, as it has made me far sicker trying to run with the herd and deny my true self.

  2. You're absolutely right WigTastic. In this case though, the fault lies more with me than with my friend; I just forgot I was ill. Madness! Thank you for visiting and commenting.


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