Tuesday, 8 January 2013

Repeating Mistakes: Not Giving ME/CFS Its Dues

Just before Christmas I wrote A New Lesson in Loneliness For a ME/CFS Sufferer where I talked about not giving the illness its dues and how I would try to be more aware.  Not even a fortnight after that, I was making the same mistakes again.  A friend contacted me recently and told me that he will be visiting London with his girlfriend at the end of the month for a long weekend.  I was so excited and we were happily making plans for all the things we would do while they were here.  I vowed to keep my schedule free and make myself available while they were over.

The next day I went out for a walk and I have had a sore hip since then and yesterday nerve pain flared up in my thigh.  It was a painful reminder that once again I had totally forgotten that I have ME/CFS.  I don't understand how I keep doing this these days.  I lived years only being aware of my illness and symptoms; they ruled everything I did.  Now, it is almost like I forget I am ill; it stares me in the face all day every day and still I don't notice it.

Yesterday I had to send my friend a rather sheepish message admitting that I was not as physically able as the rest of them, but that I would attempt to join in while not hampering anyone else's enjoyment.  I actually feel rather stupid; how could I imagine that I would be capable of a long weekend of activity?  The truth of the matter is that the way my health is at the moment, I'm just getting up to being able to do the normal basic activities and not having any repercussions.  Then how is it possible to forget that fact?

I find myself thinking a lot about that time when I was miraculously better again after 7yrs, and mentally I seem to be stuck there.  I think it is good to keep it as a goal and even better to use that time as a reminder that it is possible, but I'm not doing myself any favours by forgetting that I'm not like that anymore.  If I ever want to get back to that level of health and activity, I have to get very real about what I can and cannot do right now.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Thanks for visiting: please leave a comment!