Saturday, 6 April 2013

Football Match and a BPD Emotional Drive-By: Just Another Week For This ME Sufferer

I've had a zombified, slow-mo week but I didn't really mind as it was payment for a great day out with my partner.  On Bank Holiday Monday my partner and I went to see Chelsea v Manchester United.  He had managed to get the tickets from some guy at work that was unable to make it and the stadium is close to where we live.  My partner is Italian, so he does not support either team (he’s an Inter Milan fan) but he enjoys going to see live matches.  I wasn't really looking forward to going as I’m not really a football fan but I was adamant that I would go.  We hardly ever do anything as a couple anymore, what with me always being ill and he really wanted us to go.

Well, I had a surprisingly good day; and best of all, I got to do something normal with my other half!  It was just as well the day got me on such a high because by that night, I was already crippled with pain and walking has been a problem for me all week.

I've had this numb sensation all week, because I've been so ill and fatigued, I've sort of been in my own little bubble and I haven’t been stressed about anything.  I have to say that is one of the only good things about feeling so ill; the numbness.

Then today the proverbial hit the fan!  I was feeling so crappy all morning that I was barely conscious until early afternoon.  It seemed silly to get so happy about going to the match when I couldn't even stay awake or upright for a conversation or lunch with my partner.  Still, we spent some time together in the afternoon and I was just coming out of the slump when I received a text from my sister who suffers from BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).  I won’t go into the illness too much here, but suffice to say that she has some extremely bad episodes where she can lash out at people or feel hurt and upset because of some slight she feels you have inflicted.  Things had been going really well between us recently and I was feeling happier about our relationship.  But today she messaged me because she feels I am trying to cut her out of my life, that I back off from her and that I've been making passive aggressive comments.  It was shocking and upsetting.  The things is, I know it is not her fault and that it is her illness, but she is unable to see that it is my illness that makes me the way I am too.  I have been so ill the last few months that I am very detached and I don’t even get stressed out over anything anymore because I just can’t do it.  But this comes across as me being fake or insincere.  I know there’s nothing that can be done and I’m not angry, but unknowingly, she picked the worst day for her emotional drive by. 

I can feel the stress of the day clawing at me from the inside.  My stomach feels tight and my body feels tense.  I tried some breathing exercises to release it and that helped a little.  My partner keeps asking me what is wrong as he has sensed the shift in my mood, but I don’t really want to spend our whole evening discussing my sister.  I feel better after just writing it out here and perhaps now I can relax a little get into bed and maybe even concentrate enough to watch a movie.

I hope so anyway.

At least I don't regret the football match now.

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