I've had a
zombified, slow-mo week but I didn't really mind as it was payment for a great
day out with my partner. On Bank Holiday
Monday my partner and I went to see Chelsea v Manchester United. He had managed to get the tickets from some
guy at work that was unable to make it and the stadium is close to where we
live. My partner is Italian, so he does
not support either team (he’s an Inter Milan fan) but he enjoys going to see
live matches. I wasn't really looking
forward to going as I’m not really a football fan but I was adamant that I
would go. We hardly ever do anything as
a couple anymore, what with me always being ill and he really wanted us to go.
Well, I had
a surprisingly good day; and best of all, I got to do something normal with my
other half! It was just as well the day
got me on such a high because by that night, I was already crippled with pain
and walking has been a problem for me all week.
I've had
this numb sensation all week, because I've been so ill and fatigued, I've sort
of been in my own little bubble and I haven’t been stressed about
anything. I have to say that is one of
the only good things about feeling so ill; the numbness.
Then today
the proverbial hit the fan! I was
feeling so crappy all morning that I was barely conscious until early
afternoon. It seemed silly to get so
happy about going to the match when I couldn't even stay awake or upright for a
conversation or lunch with my partner.
Still, we spent some time together in the afternoon and I was just
coming out of the slump when I received a text from my sister who suffers from
BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I
won’t go into the illness too much here, but suffice to say that she has some
extremely bad episodes where she can lash out at people or feel hurt and upset
because of some slight she feels you have inflicted. Things had been going really well between us
recently and I was feeling happier about our relationship. But today she messaged me because she feels I
am trying to cut her out of my life, that I back off from her and that I've
been making passive aggressive comments.
It was shocking and upsetting.
The things is, I know it is not her fault and that it is her illness,
but she is unable to see that it is my illness that makes me the way I am
too. I have been so ill the last few
months that I am very detached and I don’t even get stressed out over anything
anymore because I just can’t do it. But
this comes across as me being fake or insincere. I know there’s nothing that can be done and I’m
not angry, but unknowingly, she picked the worst day for her emotional drive
by.
I can feel
the stress of the day clawing at me from the inside. My stomach feels tight and my body feels
tense. I tried some breathing exercises
to release it and that helped a little.
My partner keeps asking me what is wrong as he has sensed the shift in
my mood, but I don’t really want to spend our whole evening discussing my
sister. I feel better after just writing
it out here and perhaps now I can relax a little get into bed and maybe even
concentrate enough to watch a movie.
I hope so
anyway.
At least I don't regret the football match now.
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