Monday, 24 December 2012

A New Lesson in Loneliness For a ME/CFS Sufferer

My partner, Daniele, flew back to Italy yesterday to spend Christmas with his parents as he usually does, but for some reason this year it has left me feeling extremely lonely.  I love him and miss him as always, but this Christmas it is so much more than that.  My health has not been the best this year, with many relapses hampering my efforts to get my energy levels up and to keep my symptoms at bay, and more than just missing my boyfriend, I'm sure it is the isolation of ME/CFS that is causing me to feel so down.

I initially became ill in 2001, and by 2003 I was so ill I had to leave work.  For the next 7yrs I was mostly housebound and even bedbound at times.  But after working on getting a set routine, balancing effort with rest, finding some meds that helped with symptoms and a diet that also helped, I started to get better.  I met my lovely Italian, moved in with him, got a job, but over did it and relapsed in a bad way.  


So 2012 has very much been a year of trying to claw back some health.  I seem to rarely go out again, and the only person I spend time with is Daniele.  So yesterday after he left, I felt so sad and lonely.  I've been thinking about why, and I realise it is because my whole life has become caught up in him.  He is wonderful, but the fact is that I have become extremely isolated from 'normal' life; too isolated.

I never thought this illness would be able to do that to me again, but it has.  At first I was shocked when I fully acknowledged what my life has become, but it has also made me more adamant that it won't always be like this.  It's made me worry that I'm putting too much pressure on my partner to be everything to me, but that is something I can change.  I thought 11yrs of ME had kicked my butt every way that it could be kicked, but there are still new lessons to learn and battles to fight.  

This new lesson in loneliness is showing me that there are still so many ways ME/CFS can and does affect my life, but I know I can handle it, the only problem is that I don't always recognise it.  Before this latest relapse, when I first became ill, I recognised ME/CFS for the foe that it was.  I think this time I've become too complacent; I don't give the illness it's dues which is bad because it means I don't always see what's happening.  I often behave like I had ME so times like this weekend remind me that I have ME which is hard to admit, but good to know.

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